I am a terrible blogger. I’m good at the writing part, but the consistently posting part? The part where I sit down and write, write, write? Not so good. The truth is that I’m terrified that what I’m putting down in words isn’t Good Enough. I’m putting myself out there, and I’m afraid that what I have to say isn’t interesting, or has already been written before, and better, by someone much more with it than I am.

I’m afraid of forward progress, because what if I fail? What if I actually can’t climb out of this hole that I’ve fallen into physically, emotionally, mentally? It’s safer, by far, to just stay where I am. Remain inert. Don’t rock the boat, and just keep wishing for a better day, even though I know that better day won’t come unless I actively work for it, and reach out and take it. Therefore, my new motto is, sort of, “Do the thing anyway.”

I’m doing the thing anyway. Here’s a blog entry, almost two months after my initial offering. It doesn’t say much, but it’s here, and I’m writing it anyway. And it doesn’t count for anything but a blog post. This week I updated my resume, and applied for jobs through a job center. I’m keeping a bullet journal. I’m trying to do the things that make me anxious, the ones that will benefit me, and it’s hard, and I’m scared, and i wish I could skip this part to get to the part where I’m successful and independent and not bogged down with depression and anxiety.

In case you, reader, are wondering about the state of my health, since I was open about that in July, here is an update: the problem is not my reproductive system. The tests came back negative for anything bad, and an ultrasound revealed no cysts and no problems with my uterus or ovaries. Therefore, the problem is elsewhere, we just have to keep looking. At the suggestion of Therapist, I am now off of Paxil, and tried Lexapro for a few weeks, but because of reasons, I am on Zoloft. Discontinuing Paxil is not a fun thing to do, ever, especially at the same time as starting a new birth control. I felt like I was on edge the entire time I tapered, and by the end of the third week I was on the verge of tears all. the. time. Anxiety and depression were more pronounced, and it was awful.

I then started Lexapro! And the first week was amazing, except for the joint pain, and the tingling and pins and needles that would come around any time I held either hand the wrong way. I don’t know which was was the wrong way, except that every way seemed wrong. The joint pain was in my hands, it was supposed to go away after around two weeks. It mostly did, to the point where I kept thinking that it was actually gone, then would come back! That was fun. My doctor and I conferred yesterday, and since I want to actually have hands that don’t hurt or fall asleep because of my medication, we decided that Zoloft is the next thing to try. So that’s where I’m at. In a month, I see her again, and hopefully Zoloft works for me, and makes me feel better, and helps me get to a place where I am truly independent and in a good headspace, mentally.